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wednesday

Okay I have been working on this Windows 8 and have not gotten much farther.  But I am determined to figure it out.  I can get on the internet so that is a good thing.  For those who dont know I have bad anxiety/panic attacks.  This morning I was watching TV and I hear the screen door open on the front door.  The dogs went nuts of course, 30lb terrier and 5 lb morkie.  Terrier sounds bigger than he is.  Anyway they pounded on the door three times.  I knew then it was not my husband.  Scared the hell out of me and I went in to panic mode.  I stayed where they could not see me.  They shouted something over the dogs barking but I have no idea what they said.  They finally left in a green Honda.  But I have been paranoid all day.      I have an appt with the new psychologist in the afternoon.  I have been seeing her about 8 weeks now.  I like her and think she can help me.  My homework from her is to look for the good and dont speak the bad.  I have really been trying to do this.  We shall see.  Happy New Year to all.           Elaine

New Computer

Today has been raining and cold.  Sunday I took my son (18) to the doctor and he has strep throat.  Wonderful. Today his girlfriend called me sick.  I took her to the doctor as her mother was working. She has strep as well.  Now my throat hurts.  Let's hope.......  My husband bought me a new laptop today.  It is a very simple one as I dont need a lot.  I am so grateful, my other one is seven years old and is a pain in the rear.  But wow, this has Windows 8 and I have no clue.  But it is cool.  I was able to keep my anxiety in check during our trip to the doctor.  I did shake a lot and was hot.

I'm Back

Hi Everyone,

I have been away so long.  Thanks to those who did not delete me.  I am back and hope to get caught up but I have almost forgotten how all this works.  

Elaine

Mar. 7th, 2011


The wedding was very beautiful.  Brian and Emily were very happy.  Allen's father was the one who married them.  I can't think of a more wonderful blessing for their marriage than to have Jerry Bare perform the ceremony.  He is one of the best men I have ever met. 
 
I went to the wedding rehersal with such promise and we rehearsed coming down the isle once and of course I was seated in the first seat in the front row as mother of the groom.  However, the next time we went down Lucas told me they changed my seat to the third seat and Brian's stepmother was seated as the mother of the groom.  I asked his stepmother, and the wedding director why and they said it was what Brian wanted.  I was devastated.  I told Brian I was shocked and disappointed and he said he was sorry.  I think he was but not sorry enough to change it.  I was humiliated and still am.  BUT IT IS NOT ABOUT ME. 
I knew he was mad at me but I did not know he had replaced me.  What do I do with this? 
And no I didnt make a scene, I gave in like I always do and end up getiing hurt and disrespected and still look like the bad guy.  WHY IS IT OK TO WALK ALL OVER ME BUT I CANT STICK UP FOR MYSELF WITH OUT BEING PERCEIVED AS SELFISH.  EVERYONE ELSE IS SELFISH AND HURTFUL AND IT IS GREAT FOR THEM. 
 
WHAT AM I DOING WRONG AND WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE ALL OF THIS.  I LOVE MY CHILDREN AND HAVE GIVEN THEM EVERYTHING EVEN WHEN IT WAS NOT IN MY BEST INTEREST, AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET.

I am just heartbroken.

Feb. 7th, 2011


I am back from the bridal shower and it went very well.  Emily was pretty and got lots and lots of presents.  My son even showed up. He didn't participate but just lurked around. I was glad he was there.  He may have shown up to see if I came.  He was very happy and surprised to see me. 

My husband called him and apologized for being an ass to him and he apologized too.  So right this very moment all is right with the world.  Now if I can keep from getting paranoid between now and the wedding it will be good. 

My dress should be in on 2/11 and I can go for the fitting. Can't wait.  Also I talked to Brian's stepmother and told her I wanted to pay for 1/2 of the rehearsal dinner.  She was so nice and she, Emily's mom, and myself all sat together for most of the shower.

More later,

Elaine

Bridal Shower


Sunday is the bridal shower for my future daughter-in-law.  I am not looking forward to this at all.  I have been totally shut out of this wedding and my name is not even on the invitations.  His stepmother is.   The truth be known I have just sucked as a mother.  When it came time to fight to keep my kids I just let them go.  And now I am paying the price.  Their dads fought dirty and made them feel guilty and it was tearing their hearts out so I gave in to keep them from hurting and now I get left out.  How is that fair?

Teenage Drama


Teenage drama and jealousy.  Live and learn.  Learn is the operative word here. ha ha

Things have been ok for the last couple of days. I have been trying to enjoy it but sortof waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of feeling.

I am also trying to be calm and not verbalize all my negative thoughts.  I still have plenty, I am just not saying them out loud. Trying to say more positive things.

Social Security

Went to my hearing on Tuesday morning.  I was scared to death. We went in and the judge asked the lawyer for an opening statement and he told him what was wrong with me and gave him the doctors forms. The judge asked my name and date of birth.  Talked a few more minutes and approved my disability and back payment to 9/2009.  Yeah.  Thanks for all the good wishes.

Elaine


Hearing

I go for my hearing in the morning.  Wish me luck.

Elaine Nance

Lawyer


Ok I went to the lawyers office today, yes on Saturday.  He was preping me for my hearing on Tuesday. He went over the questions the judge will ask and told me just to stay calm and tell the truth. He said the judge is really nice and is better than most at granted SS Disability Benefits.   So we will have to see.   I am nervous, no downright terrified.  We have to be there Tuesday at 8:30 am.  I have to go in with only my attorney. They will not let my husband go with me.  Please say a prayer or send good thoughts, etc....

Elaine

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